Confronting My Fear

Have you ever walked through a situation that you thought you’d never have to walk through? Have you ever been in a circumstance where it seems like there is no way out? Have you ever been confronted with your very own fears? Well, I am in all of these situations right now. I am in a crisis that seems hopeless and helpless and where I am left with no choice but to face my greatest fear: DEATH – that of losing my parents.

These past few months, I have been forced to deal with my parents’ mortality. With both of my parents having cancer, and especially with my mother’s health deterioration – I have been compelled to deal with the fact that I will one day lose them…… and that one day may be drawing closer and closer.

You see, my mother’s health hasn’t improved at all. Her last oral chemo treatment was two weeks ago, but ever since she started that treatment, she had become weaker and weaker. She can hardly move, she has lost her appetite, half of her face has started to swell, her eyes started drooping and her vision has gotten much blurry. Things that use to be menial have become monumental for her. She is in pain, although she refuses to admit that much to me.

The doctor has just about given up as well. My mother has had everything – hormone treatment, mastectomy, radiation and chemo – but all of these have little or no effect at all. And now, I am faced with the ever-painful perennial question: What do I do?

As my husband said in his blog, I am distraught. I don’t know what to do. We have choices and decisions to make – but we need the Lord’s wisdom and provision now more than ever.

I feel like I am in a roller coaster, mostly like the ride going downhill. At times I feel like it’s ok for my Mom to go, knowing that it will end her suffering. But most of the time I struggle to accept that she could go anytime, any day. Call it blind faith or pure foolishness, but I do not ever want to give up the hope that my mother can still be healed. I am still expecting this miracle from God. According to His word, in Matt. 19:26..”with God, all things are possible”. Therefore, I will continue to stand on His word. If Jesus was able to raise Lazarus after being dead for 3 days, then Jesus is able to heal my mother. This is the kind of God that I serve.

Cancer may have ravaged my mother’s physical being, but it cannot touch her spirit. Despite of her physical discomfort (to put it mildly), my mother has remained strong. A friend of mine who recently visited her attests to this. She has observed that though my mom is physically weak but the strength in her eyes is evident, her faith in God is unwavering. My mother has already come to terms with her situation, and is already prepared to face her Maker.

I don’t know if I will ever be prepared enough for the time for either of my parents to go. But deal with this I will. I’m taking it one day at a time. God’s strength more than matches all the pain that I have. He is my refuge and my strength, my ever present help in time of trouble. (Ps. 46:1)